Last year I was very open about the fact my husband and I were in the midst of secondary infertility – infertility after having had a baby – and the fact we had decided to give IVF a crack as a last resort

I’ve had a bit of time off over the last couple of weeks, so I wanted to give an update, although it’s far from the update I was hoping to give.

On Christmas day we found out we were pregnant following an embryo transfer however a couple of weeks ago at our 8-week scan we discovered that I’d had a “missed miscarriage”.

I didn’t know this was a thing, but it’s where everything had stopped developing, there was no blood supply and no heartbeat, but my body was carrying on as if it were still pregnant so I still had all the symptoms of early pregnancy.

This felt like the evillest way to miscarry because, anyone who has experience any kind of infertility or long wait to fall pregnant would know you’re in a state of disbelief, hoping but not believing it’s actually happening, and every time I went to the bathroom I would check for any bleeding almost expecting it. Every time it wasn’t present I would mentally high five myself and tick off another day, another week another milestone, but unbeknown to me, these milestones weren’t actually being met.

We ended up having to bring on the miscarriage using medication, but this was after waiting for over a week to see if my body would naturally do what it needed to do. The wait was torturous. More torturous than the physical pain that was to come.

I’m going to be honest though, the hardest part is the loss of the dream. I was trying my hardest not to get too excited about the pregnancy in self-preservation mode knowing nothing had gone smoothly thus far, but you just can’t help imagining the future; our family of 4 at Christmas, our 2 year old welcoming a baby and loving on her like she does her baby dolls, those tiny newborn cuddles. I’d started mentally clearing out the spare room and figuring out what furniture we needed wondering if Olivia would be out of her cot by then or if we’d need a new one. Now looking into that spare room is a reminder that it won’t be full of first smiles and baby gurgles.

I had no idea that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage! That is such a high stat which makes me think a lot of women and people are going through this silently, especially because the ‘rule’ is to wait to 12 weeks to tell anyone your pregnant, so most around you wouldn’t know what you’re going through. I’ve found that even if the people around you know and are unbelievable supportive, because I ignored the 12-week rule, it can still be the most lonely and isolating time because no one knew that little person growing in your tummy like you did. That intimate feeling of never being alone, of knowing you were growing life. So for anyone going through this, who has gone through this or who does in the future, I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that you’re not alone in this experience, I see you, and I feel you, and it sucks.